Family Counseling
by Night Skye Tears
Summary: An uber tale about when the Olympian family goes in for some quality family counseling. And all hell breaks loose when this counseler tries to work out their problems. R


**_Family Counseling _**

"What appointments do I have for the rest of the day Courtney?" The rather short young woman asked her assistant out in the lobby.

"Just two more Ms. Diana." The blond behind the desk answered.

"Great." The woman with curly brunette hair sighed. "Who are they?"

"You have a couple in ten minuets, the Doormans. Then after that you have a group therapy session, the uh…." Courtney sifted through her papers. "The uh…" She found what she was looking for. "The 'Olivemens'?"

"_Olympians_, yeah I've heard of that family from Becky." She clicked her pen repeatedly. "I hear they're a handful."

"But I'm sure a therapist who is well trained such as yourself could handle them."

"Oh stop." Diana tossed her hair that fell just over her shoulders.

"Ms. Artemis? Diana Artemis?" A timid man asked.

"Yes?" She turned her professional look to them.

"Hi, we're the Doormans." The woman next to him introduced.

"Yes hello. Please, follow me into my office." She led them through the door next to Courtney's desk.

An hour or so later, Courtney heard a commotion out in the hall. She leaned over to see what all the noise was. Then the doors from the hallway burst open. "Please everyone, I'll have to ask you to keep your voices down." She addressed the crowd of nine.

"I'm sorry. Please forgive them." A shy woman with long light brown hair and eyes stepped forward. "My name is Celesta Olympian." She indicated behind her. "And this is my family."

Courtney looked past Celesta to the various people arguing; all but two looked the same age as Celesta; mid 30s. "Ah the Olympians. I'm Courtney; Ms. Artemis' assistant." She addressed the group again. "If you'll all take a seat!" They quieted. "Ms. Artemis will be with you shortly. Thank you." They all slowly sat down in the lobby.

"Daaad, it's been twenty minuets, how much longer do we hafta wait?" A man with blond curly hair whined.

"Apollo, just have patience." His apparent father said.

"This is enough! I won't wait a moment longer." An older woman with crystal blue eyes in a skirt suit stood up.

"No no you can't go in there!!" Courtney yelled.

"So I came home and found my husband in bed with another woman!" Mrs. Doorman sobbed inside Diana's office.

Just then, her office door swung open. "Miss Artemis!" This woman said distressed. "We've been waiting for some time now." The Doormans and Diana jumped up.

"Hera! You don't go barging in like this." Her husband commanded.

"I'll do whatever the hell I want!" She retaliated.

"I'm sorry. I'm Zeus Olympian." The older man in a Hawaiian shirt extended a hand.

"Well uh, Mr. and Mrs. Doorman you'll have to excuse me. Our time is up. Please see Courtney out in the lobby for a further date." The Doormans scurried out past the mob.

"Hello, I'm Diana Artemis." She shook Zeus' hand and nodded to the rest behind him. "Please come in and take a seat."

Zeus, his wife, and his children sat down hastily. "Well," Diana slipped on her reading glasses over her light blue eyes and grabbed a clip board before continuing. "Why don't we start with your name and what you do for a living?" She said to the circle of people who mostly looked like they didn't want to be there.

"I'll start." The woman in a denim jumper spoke after a silence, at one end. "My name is Celesta, and I'm a kindergarten teacher." The woman with short, permed, brown hair in a skirt suit next to her snickered. "You go next." Celesta glared at the woman.

"I'd be glad to. My name is Athena, and I'm the CEO of Microsoft." She boasted.

"Impressive." A tall man in a tan suit commented.

"And you're any better, 'Mr. Armani'?" Athena addressed the man with dark hair across from her.

"What can I say? Everybody loves my line." He said taking off his snazzy sunglasses revealing deep hazel eyes. "You see, I'm the _original _designer of Armani." He addressed Diana. "I'm also an international arms dealer." He turned back to Athena. "So yeah I _am_ better."

"I second that." A woman in jeans and a t-shirt having long black hair stated.

"_You would_ Discord." A scantly dressed blond snorted. "I'm Aphrodite, and I own a….Gentleman's club in uptown New York."

"'Gentleman's club'? Ha, is that what it's called these days?" The younger woman with black make up; Discord laughed. "I always thought it was a whorehouse, you must feel right at home Aphrodite."

"Why you little—"

"Isn't 'Diana Artemis' redundant?" A tall man with golden brown hair spoke up, obviously in thought about this the whole time.

"Uh, excuse me?" Diana turned her attention to him.

"'Diana' is the Roman name for Artemis, who by the way couldn't make it today." He went on, Diana blinked confused. "Oh my name is Hercules and I'm a cop."

"Always the goodie-two-shoes." The man in the tan Armani suit said.

"Enough, Ares." Zeus finally spoke.

"And right on cue dad." Ares rolled his eyes.

"Well my name is Zeus, the father of this dysfunctional family."

"Ah, and what do you do Mr. Olympian?" Diana got in a word.

"I own an island." Zeus nodded in pride.

"I see." Diana said.

"And this is my wife--"

"I can speak for myself _husband_. My name is Hera. I own two television networks; Oxygen and WE (Women's Entertainment)." She answered coolly.

"Quite an accomplishment." Diana noted.

"I've made 'quite and accomplishment' too." The curly blond chimed in. "I, Apollo, have invented the 'Flamlet'." He grinned.

"The 'Flamlet'?" Diana questioned.

"It's a flayed omelet." Apollo explained.

"All right well, now that formalities are out of the way," Diana shifted. "We can get down to what you feel we should work on." She paused. "Well since nobody wants to volunteer an issue, I'll point out one. Mrs. Olympian," She addressed Hera. "How do you feel your relationship with your children is?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary has happened lately." She shrugged.

"Why do you feel that you and your children need to be here today?"

"I don't--" Hera tried.

"But _I_ do." Zeus spoke up. "This family has been dysfunctional for long enough. It's time that we try to work things out."

"Seems like a wise decision." Diana turned her gaze. "Now I sense some hostility amongst you siblings." She said as professionally as she could.

"Look who has P.H.D." Athena mumbled.

"Stop it. Miss Artemis is doing a great job." Celesta defended.

"That is _Miss_ Artemis right?" Ares leaned forward. Her eyes widened.

"I don't know what your parents were thinking!" Diana looked back to Hercules. "'Diana Aretmis' is so awfully redundant." He waved a hand through the air to emphasize.

"Well isn't 'Super Hero'?" Aphrodite addressed Hercules. "Obviously heroes are super." Her blue eyes looked around the room for agreement.

"I guess you're right. That's why I prefer, 'Demi-god'." Hercules sighed in thought.

"That's good. Some of you agree on _something_." Diana jumped in.

"Too bad the law doesn't agree on public decency." Discord noted looking at Aphrodite.

"Don't start on my clothes, horse hair!" Aphrodite yelled.

"At least I don't have _whore_ hair." Discord spat.

"Ladies, please." Diana interrupted.

"Now all we need is a mud pit." Ares commented leaning back in his hair, as the two women continued to argue and throw insults.

"People like them give us women a bad name." Athena sighed.

"You're always so conceited." Celesta said.

"See what I'm talking about?" Zeus rested back in his chair.

"Please ladies, ladies, take your seats." Diana stood up.

"I invented the Flamlet maker." Apollo said to anyone who would listen.

"Will you two sit _down_?!" Zeus barked. "It's embarrassing, really."

Diana was now trying to get in between the cat fight. "Want to give me a hand Ares?" Diana asked him, who was closest.

"Seeing as how we have no mud, might as well." He went to grab Discord.

"Sorry to interrupt Ms. Artemis, you have an urgent phone call on line one." Courtney said through the intercom.

"'Diana Artemis' is definitely redundant." Hercules said absently.

"I invented the Flamlet." Apollo now sobbed.

Diana managed to pry apart Aphrodite, and Ares took Discord. They still managed to squirm and kick. "Enough!" Hera's voice bellowed as she stood up. The felines quieted and slowly took their seats pouting. Diana straitened her skirt and sat back down. "Please continue." Hera also sat.

"Thank you." She paused. "It's obvious to me that you all---"

"Uh, you had an urgent phone." Ares interrupted.

"What?"

"Yeah, line one."

Diana ran over to her desk without poise. "Diana Artemis, hello?" She answered. "Hello? Hello? Damn it." Diana slammed down the phone. She smiled back at group. "Sorry." She slowly sat back down.

"As I was saying--" She was interrupted again, this time by Apollo's crying. "Apollo, why are you crying?" Diana tried to keep her patience.

"Nobody loves me!" He leaned over onto Hercules' shoulder.

"Oh good gods." Athena rested her head on her hand.

"He's _your_ son." Hera said irritated.

"Yes, yes." Zeus sighed. "But that's another session."

"If you still want to go on?" Celesta tried.

Diana looked at her for a moment. "Yes of course. Mrs. Olympian, do you feel that counseling can save your family's relationship?"

"Honestly, no. But it's worth a try. You're our forth therapist Ms. Artemis, and you came so highly recommended." Hera nodded.

"Oh." Diana smiled in fake surprise.

"Although I don't see why." Athena broke the moment.

"_I_ can." Aphrodite now spoke. "Her shoes match her necklace."

"I thought it was because her eyes matched the stars." Ares charmed, Diana blushed.

"It's prob'ly because she's the only one who hasn't thrown us out yet!" Celesta enthused.

"Yes, well." Diana paused again, not really sure of what to say next. "Thank you." She nodded to Hera. "Now, let's talk about any hidden aggressions towards one another." Diana didn't think about what she said before it was too late.

"Yeah I've got some 'hidden aggressions' that I'd like to share." Discord shouted before Diana could retract her words.

"She said 'aggressions', not _obsessions_." Aphrodite looked at Discord then indicated her crush; Ares who rolled his eyes.

"Well we can tell your obsessions aren't hidden." Discord smiled wickedly.

Aphrodite looked down to her own chest as implied. "You Bacchae!" She stood up.

"Harlot!" Discord arose.

"And here we go again." Athena slouched back into her chair. And on cue Discord and Aphrodite attacked each other again.

"Oh my." Hera sighed

"I second that." Zeus said.

"Ares, would you?" Diana said getting up to separate the girls again.

"For you? Anything." Diana slightly blushed at his remark.

Discord flailed out in an attempt to strike Aphrodite but hit Diana in the face instead. "Oh my nose!" Diana stammered back.

"Are you all right?" Ares came to her aid, ignoring his sisters.

"Ms. Artemis, urgent phone call on line one. Same client as last time." Courtney came back on the intercom.

"So that was _Miss_ Artemis right?" Ares helped Diana to her seat.

"Yes it is--not my Roman vase!" Diana yelled when Discord picked it up and hurled it at Aphrodite.

"Eh, Greek is better anyway." Ares joked and received a laugh from Diana.

"You harpie!"

"You banshee!"

"Well there goes my Greek and Australian vase as well."

"That's it." Aphrodite pulled back and threw a fireball at Discord.

"Oh my God!" Diana yelled jumping up.

"Ms Artemis, everything all right in here? I heard a crash." Courtney said on the intercom.

Discord threw her own fireball back at Aphrodite. "What the hell is going on here?!" Diana yelled.

"Well it looks like we'll move onto #5." Hera rose to leave. "Thank you for your time." She headed out.

"Terribly sorry." Zeus followed after her.

"It's hard to explain." Ares said trying to get Diana's attention back. "Why don't I tell you over dinner?"

"What? No, I don't date clients." Diana still looked in awe at the unnatural destruction of her office.

"Well good, because should you two get married, your name would be 'Diana Olympian', that's contradicting in cultures and just as bad as 'Diana Artemis'." Hercules said before leaving.

"Look at it this way," Ares started.

"Will you two stop?! You're a disgrace to us all!" Athena yelled standing up.

"You're always so mean Athena!" Celesta too stood, which created another fight.

"Ms. Artemis, line one." Courtney entered the room.

"Don't push me around!" Celesta yelled.

"You look like Barbie on crack!" Discord yelled before another fireball hit her.

"You've already met my family." Ares finished with a half smile.

"Nobody likes my Flamlet!"

**_The End_**


End file.
